I love the idea of a new beginning but that also means that something has to end. I have talked before about our family's poetry project and this last week was my daughter Isabella"s turn to suggest a topic and "New Beginnings" was what she wanted us all to write on. Well, she was coming from the perspective of a junior in high school starting summer vacation. YEAH!!!! Initially I felt the same euphoric swell of lightness and fun (no hour long morning and afternoon commute, woohoo!) but then I remembered that there was now one less year to hang out with my daughter. One last year and she will be on her way to a life all her own, holidays and phone calls not withstanding. She will be finding her path and at her age feeling no rush to make momentous decisions as she has the attitude of, "well, I have my whole life ahead of me", which of course is awesome and I too was once in that same space. But life has a way of shaking things up and at this point I too feel as though I am just starting out yet this time time is no longer on my side. I feel this sense of urgency and it"s making me nervous, well not only that but anxious which has much more negative connotations. At each years passing the burden gets heavier. With my daughters leaving I will be alone. The financial help from her father will be gone as well as that space filled with her voice, her character, her love. Yes, of course I have Buddy, my little Budsters who follows me around and loves me no matter what but I need to find my "LIFE". I feel as though I have been in a holding pattern in the sense of a circling, non-thinking spiral of action, a child centric life. I have no regrets except one: what about my future? Well, now thoughtfully acknowledging my life and assessing my prospects I am acutely aware that I need to do something more, not just for financial reasons but to give meaning to my days. I sometimes feel that I am just being greedy in expecting a fulfillment from work in my life and that I should just be grateful for an income that sustains but I just can't help but want more. I don't want to be cheesy but I want to LOVE what I do and if I can make a living at being creative well that is all that I could ask for. So I will blog on, instantly post my grams, and spend 7-10 hours a day creating. Money may not follow but a sense of purpose is just as important. RIGHT?
So all that said, I will be looking forward to a time when it will just be me and Budsters trying to create this dream that I have. Is it viable?? Not sure but I have to find out. It is so strange that there are days when it all seems so attainable but then they can be followed by such negativity and times of such questioning. I don't have time for that! I need to get on with it and make things happen. New beginnings can be scary but what the heck! (FYI I just can't seem to swear :-)
5 foot 5' 3/4" (although I am now probably 5'5") 2 dependents (does a dog count?) Hair color does tend to change regularly (curse of being a hairstylist) Aspirations of global recognition as a superstar fashion designer (this better happen darn quick as I am aging quite noticeably as each post is uploaded)