Why oh why do we (okay, I mean me) continue to do something over and over hoping for that elusive positive outcome when chances are whatever it is we are hoping for is a long shot? Why do this to ourselves? This self inflicted madness that we do for fun, love, or in my case a creative designing drive necessary to my very being the draw being too strong to resist. I am trapped in the tractor beam pull of a future in the fashion designer spotlight, accolades pouring over me, waving triumphantly yet oh so graciously to all my fans from the rarefied world of the red carpet, flashbulbs popping as I am handed my winning prize and.....OH! So sorry! I do definitely get carried away by my very fervent desire to be on (and win no less) Project Runway.
I see this all so clearly in my head yet I also know the possibility of this being the conveyor belt on which I ride straight to my dreams of becoming a clothing designer is infinitesimal at best. I mean one person a year has this opportunity and if I am not mistaken this avenue to success will soon be closed as the show will be completing its run on TV after one final season or so I read somewhere.......
A couple of days ago I received what I now term my annual rejection letter. After a lot of work putting my heart and soul into my design application I am emailed a form letter informing me that "after consideration you will not be moving forward in the selection process. But, please don't be discouraged!!!" They tell me, "you are not alone as many others continue to apply multiple times to get on. So please keep designing and we look forward to see what you submit next year." Well gee, that just makes me feel better. I bet it's rigged! They probably have the prospective designers all picked out yet have to make it look like it's an open competition, they just can't realize the great talent that I am....well, at least that's what I tell myself in fleeting bouts of self pity. I mean after 7 years of these rejection letters one has to figure out a way to remove the sting replacing it with that constant, never failing creative spark that just won't let me quit. (or DAMN IT! maybe that's just my fiercely aggressive competitive nature fueling this insanity) Anyway, whatever I need to do to coat and sooth. So now that I have smoothed my ruffled feathers and found a way to start again I continue to hope that next year a different and most positive of outcomes will be in my future.
So.....putting it all out there (again) here I come PROJECT RUNWAY 2019!
That word sparks an inner turmoil in me although this isn't always bad as it does stimulate an immediate call to action. I do tend to need a good sound kick in the keister!
My family has a weekly poetry writing group where we take turns coming up with a topic and then either get together to read them or share them online. This week it was my daughter's turn and she decided we should all write on the topic of deadlines. This got me excited because my last 7 years has been dominated by my wish to get on the show Project Runway and each year the deadline looms and every year finds me woefully behind my expected completion date. Not only is this yearly event one that has a final deadline but now that I have passed by the half century mark ( a few ago. yikes!) I find that I acknowledge my own final deadline. That sounds a little morbid but I don't mean it that way. It's just that I now see everything that I do as more weighty and I don't want to squander the time and energies that I have available to me. I feel I have spent the first half of my life living as if I were a leaf on a river; going with the flow, letting the current and gravity dictate what direction I took, not knowing what was around the bend. Well maybe I wasn't that rudderless but you get my meaning.
Now that my daughter is at the end of her junior year and will soon be leaving the safety net of home I'm thinking I should do the same. As she thinks about what college to go off to she will be carefully plotting and planning these next years of her life. I don't think that I have ever done such an in depth examination of what I wanted to be when I grew up. So I think it's about time and writing this blog is part of my new view on life and the deadlines I need to keep in sight in order to head in the direction of my paradise.
Trying to change careers at this stage in life is a little scary. I have been a hairstylist for the last 30 years. It's what I know and I am comfortable here. My passion to design and to start a business creating custom designs and hopefully a label is one that I didn't go to school for and I think that adds to my hesitance in believing that my dream can come true. I submitted my yearly portfolio to Project Runway on April 1st and as of today April 17th (they said I would know by the 21st) I still haven't heard whether or not I am on to the second round. No news is good news???? But, I know that counting on a television show to catapult my design career is far fetched and I have to work hard to accomplish that dream of mine on my own.
I am no longer a young whipper snapper who thinks they have all the time in the world but a mature ( haha! ) woman who realizes that time is not to be taken for granted and life should be an adventure. So onward! Up off this keister and on to my design paradise as I wrap up this entry to my blog. After all, I gave myself a deadline ;-)
putting it all out there,
I mean okay, perfection is inherently balanced and properly proportioned and does not need improving so yes perfection most likely is "pretty". But all that balanced perfection tends to become boring I think because you have an expectation of what comes next. There are no elements of surprise, unexpected quirks, or memorable idiosyncracies. I am saying this because I think I need to qualify why I have decided to start this blog, a possible new career, and this next phase of my life. I have no idea what I'm doing (well, I'm not totally without talent...) and I know that means there will be many hiccups along the way. I am old enough to realize I can"t know everything and there may never be a perfect time to start a new venture but I am also old enough to realize that there is no time to waste. So, qualifications to start this design business? Well I love designing. It's all think about. No, I have not gone to fashion design school. Have you written anything before? Umm, no but I do always have something to say. Can you communicate your design ideas through sketching? I think I've done a darn good job honing my figure drawing skills to where appendages are discernible and fairly proportionate. So that's an improvement! Sewing skills? Anything I haven't learned on my little machine I am confident I can figure out (with a little help from the internet) See, I am not trying to do things perfectly I just want to do it already! So bring on the messy and the ugly and I will make perfection from all the disjointed parts that are me.
Sketching is NOT something that I am good at but I have been practicing and am trying to find my personal style. I'm getting there. It is like everything else I do: a work in progress.
This lack of "perfection" is also prevalent in my designs. From the beginning I have always gravitated towards asymmetry and rough edges. A balanced design to me means the juxtaposition of unfinished fabric edges with clean lines, embellishments balanced by a bare expanse, or offsetting different fabric weights and colors.
This really has been years in the making. Each design and every year has created the foundation for what I want to do now. I would really rather be sitting at my machine than at this keyboard but I have found that by writing down my thoughts and ideas and then editing them I focus my creativity and stay on track as I tend to shoot off into many different directions. If I am going to make this work discipline and sticktoittiveness will be the key, not perfection. I don't even know what that is! My designs never seem to be finished as there is always room for tweaking. Deadlines seem to be the only thing that finishes my projects. This is my art and as an artist I reserve the right to add crazy, quirky, imperfect to this world.
Putting it all out there,
5 foot 5' 3/4" (although I am now probably 5'5")